'Like Mad Max, but with Amazon Prime vans':Transplant has hilarious take on Seattle snow
SEATTLE - It doesn't usually snow that often or that much in Seattle, so when it does, you have to excuse us for being a little bit inexperienced in how to handle an actual winter storm.
"I’ve never witnessed anything quite like Seattle grocery stores when locals are preparing to brave 4-5 inches of snow," he first tweeted, setting off a barrage of humorous observations about life in the Emerald City ahead of impending snow chaos. "Like, people are stocking up on emergency tomatoes and leaving water jugs on the shelves."
Here is much of the rest of his Twitter chronicle:
- "And antique stationary sets in case email servers go down."
- "Oh no. They’ve started looting. People running out of stores with armfuls of Yerba Mate tea."
- "Wild packs of Goldendoodles are roaming the streets."
- "PCC is still fully stocked. Too expensive even for the looters."
- "People are burning first drafts of their novels for warmth."
- "Society is breaking down. Rival Pokémon Go teams are establishing enclaves and fighting over territory."
- "Portage Bay Cafes are neutral ground."
- "People are bartering monogrammed yoga mats for just a single slice of cauliflower pizza."
- "It’s like Mad Max but with Amazon Prime vans."
- "I just turned a corner and saw towering mechs fighting over on the Eastside."
- "I awoke to the sight of Dickensian orphans picking through my compost. I don’t even know where they found those flat caps. The snow is still 10 hours away."
- "Paper money is worthless. Cans of hard cider brewed from obscure fruits you’ve never heard of are the new currency of the land."
- "Venturing back out to stores to survey the desolation. Gloves are still in stock. I don’t think #Seattle knows about those yet."
- "Gluten-free breadlines."
- "The city’s lone snowplow is stuck somewhere on the 5."
- "People have been lined up outside the Trader Joe’s for hours, waiting for them to open. I think they have the new Harry Potter?"
- "The snow has started falling eight hours ahead of schedule. People are resorting to the politest cannibalism I’ve ever seen."
- "People are running low on food, but are still well-stocked in edibles."
- "They just ate Howard Schultz."
- "Everything is closed. Everywhere is abandoned. Writing groups are still meeting, though. You can’t keep submitting the same chapter, Doug!"
- "People enduring literal Seattle Freeze."
- "No one living on a hill will ever be heard from again. Years from now, puzzled archeologists will explore the ruins."
- "People are gathering basic supplies. Growlers are full, and they’re tying hoodies together to make rope."
- "I have many regrets as I prepare to meet my end. Mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve hurt. Referring to I5 as “the 5” is my greatest one."
- "Snow flurries have started in earnest. First time I’ve seen someone using an umbrella in Seattle."
- "People are crocheting beanies as fast as they can."
- "My district has announced that schools will reopen never. Please educate your children however you see fit."
- "People are singing to keep their courage up. But no one can agree on a song."
- "The inspiring thing about Seattle residents is how they pull together in a crisis. Why, just now I witnessed a young man letting several others huddle inside his beard for warmth."
- "You’re all making me feel very welcome here. I love Seattle. It’s a shame we’ll all be dead by morning."
- "Or possibly later today."
- "I have never seen trees look this confused."
- "Night has fallen, and the roads are blocked by an inch of snow. Indie board games are helping us forget our hunger, but they’ll run out soon."
- "(Siri can you eat lip balm?)"
- "Significantly less snowfall than expected so far. Rioters are milling about, looking embarrassed. Lots of people pretending to read their phones."
- "Never mind, the riot is back on. People here *commit*."
- "I just saw a toddler putting chains on his tricycle."
- "I was about to eat someone, but I had to let him go when he told me he wasn’t grass-fed. Not to be a snob, but come on - we’re not there yet."
- "A snowplow just went by, but honestly I think they were just skipping town. They’ll be the only survivor when this is done."
- "Presently, everyone in Seattle is  dying and  hoping it’ll eventually snow the predicted amount because we were expecting to have Monday off."
Seattle did end up getting anywhere between 3-11 inches of snow Friday night into Saturday morning, covering roads and making plows work overtime. More snow is on the way next week!